I really appreciate everyone who has been praying for me lately. This week has definitely been better from last week, but I’m not all the way there yet. The past two weeks have certainly been one of the more difficult times of my life.
When I’m feeling down, I tend to either buy things or lie on the couch for hours watching TV (sometimes I do both at the same time—hah). Today, I watched TV for 2 hours and then decided that was enough of that. So, I spontaneously decided to drive to Taylor for the weekend to visit my grandparents.
I was still feeling like crap as I headed out of Dallas, so I prayed a very simple prayer to the effect of “God, I need you to show up.” Somewhere between Corsicana and Waco, I was hit with a wave of uncontainable joy. And I felt alive again, as though God Himself had come and awakened me from my sleepwalking and stumbling through life. The moment was not fleeting, as God came and began to heal the damage that has been done to my heart over the past several weeks. And I know that I am still in process, but for the first time in this process. I am beginning to believe that God is who He says He is – that He is faithful and that He is a redeemer of even the most broken parts of our lives.
I’m at my grandparent’s house now. As midnight approaches, a strange calm has settled over me. I say it is strange because this is the first night in a few weeks where I have felt at peace as I lie down to sleep.
I have found that when I’m busy with work and such, it’s easy to shut out my pain and forget that things have gone terribly wrong. But when night comes and everyone else in my house has gone to sleep, that is when the voices start; that is when I remember. But tonight, those voices are gone, and peace is in their place, as if I can feel the very hand of God outstretched over every moment and circumstance of my life.
I am learning through all of this that it is okay to acknowledge that all is not well. It’s okay to admit that this world has gone horribly wrong, that we are a million miles away from Eden. And even though the Kingdom of God is breaking in all around us, life is still hard sometimes, as we brush up against the brokenness of this present age. That is the Story, and we must embrace the bad along with the good. But I know how the Story ends, and I know about the New Story that God begins at the end of Revelation, the Story that is open-ended because it is outside of time itself. Basically, God is making all things new. The Kingdom is here, though not in full. But God is at work, even in the middle of our deepest pain. Amen.
Come, Lord Jesus. Come into our brokenness, and bring to us Your wholeness.